Real American Patriots

classic

Classic.  Go USA, indeed.  (via Know Your Meme)

Where do they keep finding these horrible, soulless monsters to fill seats at the Republican debates?  For the past three debates, the most noteworthy moments have been members of the crowd reacting loudly to things that are simply appalling.  

First, there was the round of applause for Four-Time “Best Murderer”-Winner Rick Perry’s record-breaking kill streak of 234.

Yayy! You killed the most guys!  You are the most successful sanctioned murderer at the state-level.  It makes sense why you’d want to be President: GLOBAL MURDER REACH.  New high score.

And, look, I get that some people like the death penalty.  There are thousands of reasons why the death penalty is terrible, but I get why some people think murderers should get murdered.  Eye for an etcetera.  But I just always assumed that no one was actually PRO MURDER, they just thought of it as a necessary evil to maintain societal order.  But, no, I guess there are people out there who A) Love murder and B) Are willing to subject themselves to two hours of Republican Presidential Candidates raping their ears at a live, televised event.

Then there was the classic “freedom” moment from the next debate, where the crowd expressed their “freedom” to be awful and let a sick person die just for the hell of it.

"Freedom’s just another word for not giving a shit about people."  -Ayn Rand.

So, that’s obviously abhorrent.  But you ain’t seen nothing yet.

"BOOOOOO.  I AM SITTING ON MY ASS WATCHING HYPOCRITICAL MILLIONAIRES JOCKEY FOR POSITION OF ‘BIGGEST MONSTROSITY’ AND YOU ARE SERVING MY NATION HONORABLY BUT YER A FAGGOT, SO KEEP LIVING A SOUL-CRUSHING LIE LIKE A GOOD SECOND-CLASS CITIZEN."

They must bus these people in from Transylvania, or clone them from Donald Rumsfeld semen.  There’s no way regular humans are this evil.  And, remember, if you don’t support the troops, the terrorists win.

Millionaire Bill O’Reilly is Just Like You and Me!

The algorithm never lies

The algorithm is never wrong. (via Maniac World)

I’m going to attempt to write this with the least possible amount of profanity, but it’s hard to talk about a fuckass like Bill O’Reilly without calling him a fuckass and, well, now I’ve already failed. 

Bill O’Reilly "wrote" a "column" last week on his website that is wrong at least once per sentence.  Now, that may sound like a lot of errors, but it’s actually par for the course when it comes to Bill O’Reilly saying or doing anything.  He knows what he’s good at, and he’s good at nothing.

The shitty premise of his shitty column is that everyone is poor and it’s taxes fault.  Sure!  That sounds wrong, but sure.  People say that kind of stuff all the time.  Let’s see how Bill O’Reilly chooses to be wrong about this.

"By Bill O’Reily for BillOReilly.com, a subsidiary of Bill O’Reilly, Inc.  Sponsored by The Bill O’Reilly Foundation for Bill O’Reilly."  In case you didn’t know what website you were on.  So, let’s find out if I’m poor!

The folks are getting hosed.

NOT THE FOLKS!  I THINK I MAY BE ONE OF THEM!  I AM GETTING HOSED!

According to the American Debt Advisor outfit, 80% of us now owe money to creditors. If you exclude mortgages and car payments, 50% of us are in debt.

This is where Bill O’Reilly starts using the word “us” in a way that is fairly inconsistent with the actual definition of the word.  Because when he says “80% of us,” he actually means “80% of people who are not rich like me.”  Bill O’Reilly is not in debt.  Bill O’Reilly is a millionaire-cum-sex offender who gets his rocks off by calling people names on his television show.

Some pundits place the blame on unemployment, currently just over 9%. But that’s not what is driving debt. Taxation is.

Aaaaaaaaand here we go.

The mean salary in America is just about $50,000. But if you live in Los Angles, Boston, San Francisco, or New York, earning $50k means you’re poor. The cost of living in most urban areas is now so high that a $250,000 salary is middle income. President Obama might not understand this, but we the people do.

Hahaha.  Bill O’Reilly thinks that $250,000 is middle income.  That’s incredible.  Think about far you have to be removed from the actual facts of reality to believe that.  Less than 3% of people  make that kind of money in the United States, and, as far as I can tell, that is not “the middle.”  Now, sure, he’s conveniently limiting himself to urban areas, where the cost of living is much higher, but that actually undermines his argument entirely.  If taxation is the whole problem, how could the cost of urban living also be the whole problem? 

Let’s take the situation in New York State. New Yorkers like me pay federal income tax, state income tax, New York City income tax, and property taxes if we own a home. In fact, per capita, property taxes in the Empire State are about $1,900 a year. Sales taxes, per capita, are another $1,700 per year.

Gasoline tax in New York: 45 cents a gallon. Cell phone tax and fees? 23% added to your monthly bill. There are also tolls, taxes on your driver’s license, cigarettes, and alcohol. The hits just keep on coming.

Now Bill O’Reilly is just whining.  The thing is, yes: these taxes do place a huge burden on the people who have no money to pay them.  Right now, that’s a vast majority of Americans.  BUT BILL O’REILLY IS NOT ONE OF THEM.  He keeps talking like taxes are ruining his life, but he is a multimillionaire whose job is so easy a dead parakeet could do it.

And, while we’re on the subject, Bill O’Reilly is not a “job creator.”  Whenever Republicans want to attack a tax increase on the wealthy, they talk about how rich people are job creators and taxing them will hurt the poor.  That’s because simply saying “I want more money” doesn’t test well with focus groups.  But so many rich people are just goddamn useless, like Bill O’Reilly.  

I hate this man.  He cloaks himself in folksy, down-home, “aw, shucks” bullshit that bears no resemblance to his lavish lifestyle.  If he really wanted to help the middle class, he’d support a return to a slightly (SLIGHTLY!) higher tax rate for millionaires like him.  I’m sorry:  For “folks” like him.

Oh, Snap. It’s Class Warfare Time

SPOT ALL THE JOKES!

Via: Some genius named “Jamie” at Death by 1,000 Papercuts

So, let’s all talk about how great this picture is for a second.  Super great.  It condenses every possible ignorant thing you can say about Barack Obama into one, overstuffed image.  This is the Moron Rosetta Stone.  Malt liquor, because he’s black?  Check.  Prozac called “Brozac” because he’s black?  Check.  Wearing gaudy gold earrings because he’s black?  Check.  Smoking a cigarette because that makes him an asshole or something?  Check. A picture of his wife making her angriest face because black ladies are scary?  Check.  A crown with a hammer and sickle on it because the artist has no idea what he’s even scared of anymore?  Check.  Flies all over his face because… he… is a garbage person?  Is that a racist dogwhistle that I haven’t heard before?  Are there some racists out there looking at this picture thinking “Oh yeah, definitely.  Damn black people always covered in flies.”

The President is thinking about maybe attempting to raise taxes on the people who run this country and creating some jobs for the huddled, starving masses.  That’s awful nice of him.  I’m sure this won’t go the way of every other one of his policy proposals and die a slow death at the hands of intractable ideologues who only care about expanding their collection of American flag lapel pins.

So, this is obviously CLASS! WARFARE! as long as your definition of class warfare is completely divorced from reality.  Sure, income tax rates for Motherfucking Millionaires are at their lowest ever, and most of those millionaires have enough savvy/insatiable greed to avoid paying any taxes through a series of loopholes that no one wants to talk about.  And, sure, the wealthy keep getting wealthier while the poor keep getting poorer and dying.  But, on the other hand: CLASS WARFARE!

"But, wait a minute," you may say.  "How can proposing slightly higher taxes on people who can clearly afford it, who control 99% of the country’s wealth, who are just going to buy another ivory back-scratcher with their piles of gold doubloons, and whose taxes will help reduce the deficit and improve the economy be class warfare?”

Answer:  CLASS WARFARE.  IT’S CLASS WARFARE.

"No, but seriously," you say.  "Let’s just have an actual discussion about the economy without talking points and ideology clouding anyone’s judgment.  If you look at any reputable report about the effect of the Bush tax cuts on the American economy, you can see how a slight raise in what rich people pay would help a whole lot.”

Answer: LA LA LA CLASS WARFARE LA LA LA

"So, when 90% of economic policy of the past 30 years destroys the middle class and increases the wealth of the top 1% of Americans, that’s just normal, sound economic policy.  But, any time something might benefit the middle and lower classes at the very slight inconvenience of the Stupidly Rich, that’s class warfare."

Answer: YES.  CLASS WARFARE.  CLASS WARFARE CLASS WARFARE.

"And, if you just say ‘class warfare’ enough, even when people agree with the policy and will be positively affected by it, they will react negatively."

Answer:  CLASS WARFARE

"I think I get it now, yeah."

Answer:  CLASS WARFARE.

Weiner Means Penis: A Retrospective

weiners!

Above: Euphemism, euphemism, double entendre.  (via Gawker)

Well, we finally got that penis guy out of Congress.  Go, team!  We did it!  That guy will never send pictures of his penis to anyone again (while on the Congressional payroll.)  Phew.  It’s good to know that all of our country’s problems are now solved.

So long, penis man!  May you and your penis have a long, unpublished life together!

Breaking: Rich People Still Rich

Above: Dancing women, laughing minorities, the ghost of Ted Kennedy.  Matt Drudge must have this photo saved as “goldmine.png”.

If Matt Drudge is good at one thing, it is taking a news story completely out of context and creating a screaming headline that somehow makes it about liberals.  Oh, man.  He can make anything about liberals.  Kids fighting on a bus. An insane woman lying about being attacked.  Anything.

So, it comes as no surprise that today’s Matt Drudge headline is a link to a blog at The Hill which, to be fair, is called “Pelosi’s Wealth Grows by 62%”.  Fine.  Her husband is apparently good at stocks.  Some people are good at that, and those people are rich.  I am willing to accept that.

But then there’s the fourth paragraph of the article that begins thusly:

Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) also remained a multimillionaire.

Okay!  Great!  These people are doing great.  But why isn’t Boehner also a “Recession Winner,” Matt Drudge?  Who is, by the way, ALSO A MILLIONAIRE.  And, again, good for him!  His terrible web site sends millions of people to all sorts of internet places, and he somehow makes a bunch of money off of that!  More power to him!  And there is a legitimate, awful problem in this country of the richest one percent accruing more wealth while the poor get poorer!  Fair point!  But to single out Nancy Pelosi, and call her a “Recession Winner” when the actual speaker of the house is mentioned in the same article as also being a really rich guy?  Super lazy, Matt Drudge.  Nancy Pelosi is a “Recession Winner” in the same way that Matt Drudge is an “Adultery Winner” or a “Racism Winner.”  Except that Drudge actually profits off of those things, and Pelosi happens to have a rich husband.

Ugh.  Millionaires.  Always fighting.